Professional review by Random House: http://www.rbooks.co.uk/
Hexult
Congratulations on being selected for the YouWriteOn top ten this month! You
have a fascinating idea for a novel with a wonderful setting that is certain to
intrigue readers. I very much enjoyed the extract I read; there was a genuine
sense of adventure flowing through your writing and Aulf's desire to explore
the world was very contagious and inspired me to want to read on.
You have the beginnings of a very interesting story in place and I hope my
comments help you to progress further with your writing.
Plot/structure:
There is a surprising amount of action in your first few chapters and I would
recommend that you consider slowing down the action and devoting a little more
space to each of the key episodes you describe, as at the moment it felt like
your story raced ahead without me really have an opportunity to consider what
these scenes might mean for the characters and for your plot. Certain
incidents, such as the funeral pyre for the twins’ father or the attack by the
raiders, really felt like they would benefit from some expansion so that
readers fully understand their impact. It may just be that this is an early
draft of your book but I would suggest that you aim for longer chapters to
enable you to develop these episodes further, which would potentially result in
just 3 chapters in your first 15 pages, rather than the 5 you have at present.
I love the idea of Aulf and Ingar being introduced to a whole new world through
Jacob and Elya's superior equipment; I think you caught very clearly the
mixture of awe and excitement they felt on seeing the ice lens at work, for
example. I wonder whether you might be able to signal this difference in their
cultures at a slightly early point in your narrative? At one point Aulf marvels
at the unusual hat that Jacob is wearing but what about their speech; would
they sound the same as Aulf and Ingar or would they have a different accent and
a different vocabulary that would all help to emphasise the subtle difference
in their worlds?
I liked the conversation between Aulf and Ingar where they discussed what might
lie beyond the Ice Plain; there is a lovely sense of longing when Ingar sees
the glint of excitement in Aulf's eyes that I'd have liked to have seen a
little more of. That restless curiosity is a very appealing trait in a central
character and I was pleased to see that Ingar seemed to reciprocate and
hopefully wasn't simply wanting to travel with him so that she wouldn't be
parted from Aulf, she will be a much more interesting character to follow if
she is as full of curiosity and enthusiasm as Aulf.
Setting:
I think your unusual setting is one of the most appealing factors in your story
and I'd personally have loved a little more scene setting and physical
descriptions, to really build up a clear picture in my mind.
I deliberately read your synopsis after I’d read your opening chapters and I
hadn’t picked up on the clear fantasy element in your story, assuming instead
that this was set in some version of the Arctic, so I‘d recommend you focus a
little more on how you can convey the history of your story and give readers a
stronger sense of the setting and period.
I would also like to have had a little more detail about how the boats and
other technology worked – you are creating a new world for your readers so you
need to ensure that they can picture it as clearly as you can yourself. Once
I’d read your synopsis I was fascinated to see how the story unfolded because
it all sounded so original and exciting but I don’t think this new world aspect
is quite coming across as strongly as it could be in these early chapters.
Characterisation:
I would have liked a little more clarification on Aulf and Ingar’s
relationship. I had initially assumed that they were in a relationship, 'As
long as you took me with you, she added firmly' but then when they are
considering where they can hide their new acquaintances I then wondered whether
Ma's was meant to be their mother. I would recommend that you do make this
distinction a little clearer, as again this will help to build a strong mental
picture in the mind of the reader.
Aulf and Ingar don't appear to introduce themselves to the twins, or perhaps
they have already introduced themselves to Elya before Jacob wakes, but I would
have liked to have seen how they described themselves and their occupations to
their new travellers. Again, the ‘half wild orphan girl’ aspect wasn’t coming
across to me in these stages and but when I read it in your synopsis it sounded
fascinating.
Could we have some more detail about Jacob and Elya's world – their father is
dead but what about their mother? Do they miss her as well? I would have
thought they might have been homesick after seeing their father's funeral pyre
and I’d have liked to have seen a little more of this emotional strand to the
narrative, as its this that will really bring a story to life on the page and
encourage your readers to empathise with your characters.
Conclusion:
I think you have the beginnings of a great story in place and I hope my
comments enable you to refine and improve on what you already have in place.
I would suggest that you look at ways of spending a little more time on each
key event or point of interest so that you give the reader more time to get to
know your characters and your setting, and for us to see how the relationship
between your characters works. As I’ve mentioned above there were some elements
of your synopsis that I hadn’t picked up in this extract and while you’re
certainly not expected to have set up your entire premise in your opening
pages, I would have loved to have seen some of those details brought out so
that I could really picture your world and imagine how your characters worked
within it.
Congratulations on a very strong beginning!